If You've Seen One Camp Villain
by cheri1
Summary: 10Rose Humor The Doctor faces one of the most annoying things in the universe. the overthetop, melodramatic, narcissitic villain. FINISHED
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

"So, Doctor, at last I have you in my power!"

He turned to face the Doctor and Rose. Both of them were standing side by side before him as an energy field held them both immobile. The villain chuckled as he fingered his robe. It was made of expensive Chinese silk with intricate designs crisscrossing it. It was also day-glow orange and the Doctor had to avert his eyes to avoid looking at it directly so he wouldn't get a tremendous headache.

The villain chuckled as he regarded Rose.

"And not only do I have you, but I also have your pretty little companion as well." He said leering at her.

Rose snorted.

The villain sighed contentedly.

"Ah, what a glorious day. At last I have the Doctor in my thrall and with him out of the way, I can complete my plans to take over the universe."

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"But before I can begin my conquest of the cosmos, I still must decide what to do with you and your pretty friend. After all, I cannot let you live and spoil my plans of galactic conquest, can I?"

"Weeeeeeell…" the Doctor began.

"Because I have heard of your abilities, Doctor. You are a formidable adversary, so I cannot allow you to breathe the same air as me."

"Oh, what a shame." The Doctor said sarcastically.

The villain ignored him; he turned to a huge window built into the side of his spaceship and silently watched the stars.

"Beautiful, is it not, Doctor." He said in a hushed whisper. "The universe looks so peaceful from the deck of my ship. Millions upon millions of species going about their daily lives unaware that soon they will be in my complete control!"

The villain turned quickly and walked back towards the Doctor. The expensive Chinese silk robes rustled softly and the Doctor jerked his head once more to avoid being blinded by the day-glow orange color scheme.

"So, my Doctor, what are you going to do to stop me?" he said eagerly. "Come now, tell me all your plans, I'm dying to hear how you and your little girlfriend are going to defeat a formidable opponent such as myself."

"Well, first I'm gonna recommend you go to this wonderful tailor I know of so you can get something you can wear that won't cause me blindness." The Doctor replied.

The villain laughed a long, boisterous, over-the-top laugh.

"How very droll, Doctor. You are very funny!" he said, pinching his cheek. "Let's see how funny you can be when you are…WRITHING IN PAIN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

"Excuse me, but could you possibly do Rose and me a favor and just kill us now so we don't have to listen to your prattle anymore?" the Doctor asked.

"Oh! Your death will come soon enough, my Doctor. But first I want to see you and your companion…BEG FOR YOUR LIVES, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Doctor sighed.

"Beg for our lives, brilliant. Yeah, no one else has ever thought of that before." He said rolling his eyes. "Listen, um…what was your name? We didn't have time to find it out as we were being beamed out of the TARDIS"

"My name…."

He paused for a melodramatic moment and his eyes widened in anticipation of telling the Doctor and Rose his name.

"Yes, get on with it." The Doctor said annoyed.

"My name…makes all men tremble with fear."

The Doctor glanced at Rose.

"Oh Rassilon, here we go." He muttered to her. "I ask for his name and I get a bunch of narcissistic bullshit leading up to it."

"My name is a name that will live forever. Everywhere, beings of every description will say my name in hushed awe and speak of me in reverent tones."

"Yeah, yeah, what the Hell is it?" the Doctor muttered. "Cut to the chase, will ya?"

"My name shall be spoken of until the very end of the universe." He said.

"WHAT IS IT?" the Doctor screamed.

The villain paused and looked at him.

"Ah, so you wish to know my name so you can pay me due reverence?" he asked.

"Ah, no, I wish to know your name so you'll shut the Hell up!" the Doctor replied.

He grimaced when the villain pinched his cheek extra hard.

"So witty, Doctor. Too bad your wit cannot save you or your friend." He said.

He paused again and a smug smile spread across his face.

"My name…"

He thrust his finger into the air.

"is…THE DREAD OXANDRIAS, MASTER OF THE DARK AND FORBIDDEN ARTS OF SCALIMAION!"

The Doctor and Rose glanced at each other and rolled their eyes.

Oxandrias thrust his finger at the Doctor.

"And you, dear Doctor, shall have just a small sample of the Dark and Forbidden Arts of Scalimaion before you die!"

"Oh goody for me then." The Doctor muttered.

Oxandrias thrust his face towards the Doctor and got in close to him. The Doctor held his breath fighting back the urge to gag, as he smelled the liver and onions and Limburger cheese he had eaten earlier in the day.

"Nooooow, Doctor…"

The Doctor turned green when he got another whiff of the liver, onion, cheese breath.

"Would you mind backing up a bit." The Doctor asked. "To the other end of the universe, perhaps?"

He gritted his teeth when Oxandrias pinched his cheek extra extra hard.

"If you don't stop pinching my cheek, I'll pinch something else on your person and it won't feel too good, I guarantee it." The Doctor said.

Just in case Oxandrias didn't get his meaning, he glanced down at his crotch in a long pointed stare.

Oxandrias ignored him.

"Noooooow, Doctor…" he began again.

"Gah, get away from me with your stinky breath!"

The Doctor tried to turn his head to get away from his rank breath. He inadvertently looked at the day-glow orange Chinese silk robe and closed his eyes in pain.

"And get that bloody robe off before I shred it to bits!" he added.

"Are you…MOCKING ME, DOCTOR!" Oxandrias bellowed. "I hold you and your girl captive. You are powerless against me! If I so desire I could jettison you both into deep space this instant!"

"Good, anything to get Rose and me away from the stinky breath and blinding wardrobe is a-okay in my book!"

Oxandrias regarded him silently for a moment.

"You do not fear me." He finally said.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, I fear you alright. I'm scared that any moment you might breathe on me again or subject me to your Godawful fashion sense." He said.

He leaned over to Rose.

"Not to mention his over-the-top melodramatic way of speaking." He muttered to her.

He gasped when Oxandrias grabbed him by the lapel of his jacket.

"If you will not cower before me, I will make you cower! I, Doctor, will teach you to fear me!"

The Doctor's eyes bulged out of his head.

"I just said I was scared of ya, you stupid git! What, are the loud colors of your robe making you deaf or some---"

"A battle!"

The Doctor frowned.

"Come again?"

"You shall do battle with me, Doctor! We shall engage in combat and the winner shall control the universe!"

"Um…Just for clarification, I don't wanna control the universe. I just wanna explore it!"

He let out an angry yell when Oxandrias grabbed his cheek and pinched it extra extra extra hard.

"Alright! That's it! I'm tired of having my bloody cheek pinched until it's numb! You want a battle? Then let's have at it!" the Doctor yelled.

Oxandrias grinned from ear to ear.

"AT LAST, I WILL ENGAGE MY FOE IN BATTLE AND THEN I WILL DEFEAT HIM AND THEN I WILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

(2 hours later…)

HAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"

Finally he stopped and there was only blessed silence. Rose looked over at the Doctor who had fallen asleep waiting for Oxandrias to stop his melodramatic laughing.

"Doctor, he's stopped now." She said to him.

The Doctor let out a snort and jerked himself awake.

"Huh? Oh, he has…oh good." He said. "I was beginning to think he wouldn't shut up."

He let out an oof as the energy field cut off and he fell to the floor.

"Now, Doctor, to battle!" Oxandrias yelled.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Soon after Oxandrias declared a battle between him and the Doctor, they found themselves being dragged to an arena located in the heart of the ship. The guards who were dressed in shiny black spandex, thigh-high boots, and black motorcycle helmets opened the door to the arena, shoved them both inside and closed it behind them.

The Doctor dusted himself off and looked around. The walls of the arena were metal. Several fluorescent lights in the ceiling reflected on the surface and made it gleam. The Doctor looked down and studied his reflection for a moment while Rose walked over to a metal bench to their left and sat down. The Doctor glanced around at the walls.

"Must be one Hell of a job keeping this thing polished." He remarked.

He walked over and sat down beside Rose. Putting his hands behind his head, he leaned back against the wall while he stared impatiently at the door.

"Well, is he coming or not?" the Doctor said after ten minutes of waiting.

"Maybe he's in the loo."

The Doctor glanced at Rose.

"The loo?" he said.

Rose grinned.

"Yeah, he probably had to take a bathroom break before he did battle with ya and I'm sure it's hard to pee while you're trying to hold those heavy robes up with one hand."

The Doctor snickered.

"Yeah, and I'm sure he has to clean up afterwards because I'm betting his aim is off since he has to keep his eyes close to avoid getting blinded by the day-glow color."

Rose giggled. She leaned against his shoulder when he brought his arms back down to his side.

"Oh, Rose," the Doctor sighed. "What is it about us that attracts these loonies? I mean one minute you're flying through time and space and the next you're being menaced by some stupid git who dresses like he's from the 1980's and whose idea of being scary and threatening is prancing around, thrusting his arms out, and talking like he's on one of those old 1930's radio shows. I mean, why do we always get captured by nobs like him, Rose?"

Rose shrugged.

"Search me, you've been doing this a lot longer than I have so I figure if anyone has the answer to that, it'd be you." She said.

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"Well, trust me, Rose. I've been doing this for over 900 years and that's one of the few things that still eludes me." He said. "It seems like most of the people Hell bent on conquering the universe act exactly like he does, so my theory is there must be some kind of training you go through at some university somewhere to get that way."

"Universe Conquering for Melodramatic Loonies class?" Rose asked.

The Doctor snickered.

"Yup, exactly, and eventually you obtain your degree in Universe Conquering and go on to capture innocent time travelers with the intent of driving them insane with your theatrics and gaudy clothes."

They laughed together. As they did, the door slid open and Oxandrias slid into the room and thrust his arms to the sky.

"BEHOLD YOUR DOOM, DOCTOR!" he boomed out.

The Doctor and Rose paused for a minute and then bent over laughing.

"Laugh while you can, Doctor. Soon your laughter will be silenced forever!"

"Oh geez!" Rose said as the Doctor shot her a pointed look.

They glanced at one another.

"Ready to do battle, my Doctor?" Rose asked.

"Always, my Rose."

The Doctor started to get up.

"Wait." Rose said tugging at his sleeve.

The Doctor bent down.

"Huh?"

"Act like he does, you know, all campy and stuff." Rose said. "If I have to watch this, I wanna be entertained."

The Doctor grinned at her.

"How can I refuse a request from my Rosebud?" he said. "Okay, just for you, I'll go all-out campy."

"Good, I can't wait to see this."

The Doctor grinned. He gave her a brief kiss on the lips. As he pulled back, he widened his eyes until they were almost bulging out of his head. Rose giggled as he jerked his body up and spun around to face Oxandrias.

"You will never defeat me, Oxandrias!" the Doctor said in a melodramatic voice. "For I am…"

He paused and grinned as he listened to Rose's snorting laughter. He thrust his finger into the air.

"THE DOCTOR! DA-DA-DADA-DA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

He lowered his arm and looked back at Rose.

"How's that?" he asked her. "Too campy?"

"Oh Lord no, keep going, ham it up! I'm loving this!" Rose said.

"Okey-dokey."

Rose bent over laughing as the Doctor jerked his body around and began to prance towards the center of the arena.

"I have waited years for this confrontation, Doctor!" Oxandrias said.

The Doctor's eyes bulged from his sockets.

"As have I!" he said.

He paused trying to keep a straight face as Rose chortled.

"As have I," he started again. "I have longed to meet my match in battle and at last…"

He jerked his finger towards Oxandrias.

"I have met him!" he said.

"Then prepare to do battle with me, Doctor! For control of the universe!"

"Um…actually, I don't think you heard me earlier." The Doctor said. "I don't want control of the universe, I just…oh bugger, why even bother trying to clarify, a nob like you doesn't care anyway…ahem, YES, TO BATTLE, FOR CONTROL OF THE UNIVERSE!"

Oxandrias thrust his arms towards the sky. The Doctor did the same. He glanced over at Rose and did a couple of quick ballet moves. He grinned when Rose giggled insanely.

"BEHOLD, DOCTOR, THE POWER OF THE DARK AND FORBIDDEN ARTS OF SCALIMAION!"

"BEHOLD, OXANDRIAS! THE POWER OF THE DARK AND FORBIDDEN AREA OF MY ARMPITS!" the Doctor bellowed back.

He took an experimental sniff at his left armpit and made a face.

"Cor blimey, do my armpits really smell like that?" he murmured. "I need a shower once we get away from here."

He looked back at Oxandrias who was glaring at him.

"What? You mean you can smell them from over there?" he asked. "Geez, I need to buy some extra strength deodorant, I guess and---"

"DO YOU DARE MOCK ME, DOCTOR!"

The Doctor was taken aback for a moment and then realized why he looked so angry. A smirk spread over his face.

"Why no," he said sweetly. "I wasn't mocking you. I would never mock someone as powerful and awe inspiring as you, Dread Oxandrias, Master of the Dark and Forbidden Arts of Scalimaion."

He paused a moment and then looked over at Rose.

"I wonder if he has that on his business cards?" he asked.

Rose giggled and shrugged her shoulders.

He looked back at Oxandrias.

"Sorry, just conferring with my…how did you put it, pretty little friend?" he said. "Anyway, go on with what you were doing. I'm listening."

"BEHOLD THE POWER OF SCALIMAION!"

The Doctor shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels watching while Oxandrias thrust his arms out in front of him. Oxandrias paused for a moment and then with eyes widened, he chanted.

MALEFACA MALEFAION

DAMDONEDDLE SCALIMAION!

There was an audible **POOF** and a teeny weenie lime green cloud appeared in front of Oxandrias. The Doctor let out a bored sigh as the teeny weenie lime green cloud slowly wafted over, stopped in front of the Doctor and hovered near his chest.

"Oh yeah," the Doctor said staring down at the cloud. "That's really awe inspiring all right, and to think you went through all that mumbo jumbo to get this. What do you do for an encore, fart a purple one out your arse?"

**BA-BOOM!!!!!**

The teeny weenie cloud suddenly exploded. Rose gasped as the Doctor was thrown backwards into the wall. Oxandrias laughed as the Doctor got up from the ground and staggered forward.

"Doctor?" Rose said looking at him with worry.

"I'm okay, Rose. I'm okay." The Doctor said rubbing the back of his head.

"So, Doctor, now you see a sample of the incredible power of the dark arts of Scalimaion!" Oxandrias crowed.

The Doctor finished rubbing his aching head and brought it down to his side.

"Alright, now it's my turn then." He said.

He glanced over at Rose and gave her a reassuring smile and a wink when he saw she was still concerned about him. Rose relaxed and smiled back at him. He looked back at Oxandrias.

"BEHOLD THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF…me…I guess." He said.

He looked at Rose and shrugged. Rose shrugged back.

He looked back at Oxandrias and thrust his arms into the air as he bulged his eyes. He paused for a moment as Rose chuckled and then suddenly he began jerking and kicking his legs out and hopping around in a circle like a bunny. Rose bent over laughing as he chanted out…

DOO-DOO PEE-PEE PISS PISS PISS

COME ON LOVE NOW GIVE US A KISS

RHYMIE, TIMEY DINKY DOO

FLOPPY FLUPPY FLIPPIDY FLOOOOOOOOO!

He stopped jumping and with a flourish reached into his jacket pocket and whipped out his sonic screwdriver.

TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAA! BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE DARK AND FORBIDDEN ARTS OF…MY…SCREWDRIVER. FEAR…IT'S…uh…SONIC-NESS!"

He thrust it at Oxandrias and froze.

Oxandrias stared at it. He snorted and looked at the Doctor.

"Very amusing, Doctor. What exactly does it do?" he asked.

The Doctor grinned.

"This!" he said pointing it to the ceiling.

He pushed the button and aimed it at the spot above Oxandrias's head. Metal sheeting came loose from the ceiling, fell down and smacked Oxandrias directly on the noggin. He slumped to the ground, dazed, as the Doctor rushed over and grabbed Rose's hand.

"Okay, I think we've worn out our welcome." He said. "Time to get back to the TARDIS."

They ran to the door. The Doctor aimed the screwdriver at it, turned it on and watched as the door slid up. They ran through as Oxandrias got to his feet.

"You won't get away so easily, Doctor!" he said.

Reaching into his robe, he pulled out a communicator device.

"Guards, the Doctor and the girl have escaped. After them, I want them alive and unharmed and brought to me!"

He put the communicator back in his robe.

"Then once they are brought back to me, I will have the honor of killing them myself!"

He threw back his head and his laughter echoed down the corridor as Rose and the Doctor ran for their lives.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The laugher died out quickly.

"Already? I thought for sure he was gonna beat his old record and laugh for four hours straight." The Doctor said to Rose.

"YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME, DOCTOR!" they heard Oxandrias cry out. "I WILL NOT LOSE CONTROL OF THE UNIVERSE TO YOU!"

"I DON'T WANT CONTROL OF THE BLOODY UNIVERSE!" the Doctor screamed back. "RASSILON, IF YOU'RE GONNA KIDNAP ME, AT LEAST STUDY MY JOB DISCRIPTION FIRST SO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THAT I DO!"

They turned the corner and gasped when they ran into two of the guards. The Doctor paused and stared at their outfits.

"What in the world is going on in this place? Doesn't anyone know how to dress?" he asked Rose.

He opened his trench coat and showed them his brown suit.

"Now see, this is how you dress yourself." He said gesturing to his suit. "See how good I look."

He gasped as one of them pulled out a ray gun and shot the wall beside them.

"Right, I'll finish my fashion tips later!" he said, grabbing Rose's hand. "Come on, Rose."

They turned and noticed two more guards behind them.

"Bollocks!" he said.

He glanced at Rose.

"Escape maneuver number 20?" he asked her.

"Sounds good to me."

"Right then, execute escape maneuver 20…NOW!"

In Unison, Rose and the Doctor gave the guards a swift kick in the balls. As they fell to the floor in pain, Rose and the Doctor stepped over them and ran for their lives as the other two guards followed and fired their ray guns.

"Just another day at the office, eh, Rose?" he said as they ran down the corridors desperately trying to find a way back to the TARDIS.

They turned a corner and stopped short when they noticed twenty guards were blocking their way. They spun around and saw the two guards raise their blasters and point them at their heads. The Doctor sighed.

"And now comes the part where we raise our hands above our heads and pray they don't have itchy trigger fingers." He said as he and Rose raised their hands.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"And now, Doctor, you are at last at my mercy!"

Oxandrias chuckled under his breath. High above him, the Doctor and Rose were tied back to back on a metal platform that was suspended over a huge vat of boiling lava. Oxandrias stepped back until he could see the Doctor's face.

"Enjoying the view, Doctor?' he asked him.

"Yes, it's just lava-ly!" the Doctor said.

Rose groaned.

"You and your bad puns." She muttered.

"What? I thought it was witty!" the Doctor said to her.

"It wasn't, trust me."

The Doctor shrugged.

"Everyone's a critic." He muttered.

He focused his attention on Oxandrias.

"So, let me see if I can sum up what'll happen. I'm thinking any moment you will hit a button or a lever or something and the platform Rose and I are standing on will start to slowly descend towards the huge scary vat of lava and all the while Rose and I will be screaming and begging for mercy and you will laugh loud and long and boisterously and gloat and prance and preen and tell us every 5 seconds that our doom is sealed and then you will break into song and sing about how wonderful and superior and awe inspiring you are while at the same time ignoring my increasingly frantic pleas to let Rose go and do whatever you want with me and then you will break into an evil villain interpretive dance number and prance around some more until finally the platform reaches the vat and we writhe in fiery pain and burn alive until we are dead."

The Doctor took a big deep breath.

"Managed to get that all in one sentence did ya?" Rose asked him.

"Well, time is short, you know." The Doctor replied.

"And now, Doctor, I must bid you and your pretty friend goodbye. I have a universe to conquer."

Oxandrias crossed the room and headed towards a gigantic black lever sticking out of the wall.

"So, which is it, Rose? Button or lever?" the Doctor asked.

"Lever."

"Thought so."

The platform lurched and began to descend slowly when Oxandrias pulled the lever down.

"Good, now he'll leave the room. They always do, you know. And once he's gone, we'll plan our escape and then…"

He paused when he noticed Oxandrias walk back to where he was before, stop, cross his arms over his chest and watch silently as the platform descended.

"Is he gone?" Rose asked.

"Um…no."

"No?"

"No, he's actually going to watch." The Doctor said in disbelief. "That's impossible. The villains always leave. They never watch me die! He can't be staying!"

"Well, obviously, he is." Rose said.

"No, no, he's just making sure the platform is lowering. Any minute he will leave us alone and then we will make our escape."

He paused and stared at Oxandrias who wasn't moving an inch.

"Go on then, go and carry out your plans of universal conquest. Scram." He muttered.

Oxandrias stayed put.

"Go, shoo, scat, amscray!" the Doctor said to him.

He heard Oxandrias chuckle.

"I shall enjoy watching you die, Doctor. I always stay to watch my victim's final breaths."

The Doctor stared at him for a moment.

"Oh bugger, Rose, he's not moving." The Doctor said. "I can't escape if someone's watching me. I hate to admit it, Rose, but I think we're done for this time."

As the platform lowered towards their doom, the Doctor's mind frantically tried to come up with a solution to the sticky problem of how to escape when the villain is looking right at you.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The Doctor looked down at the vat of lava as they were slowly lowered towards it.

"Doctor, got any ideas about how to get outta this?" Rose asked looking around at him.

The Doctor stared down at Oxandrias who was still staring up at them.

"Doctor?"

"I'm thinking, Rose, I'm thinking!"

He glanced down at the bubbling lava.

"Come on, think, think, think, there's gotta be a way to get outta this while he's looking straight at us." The Doctor said to himself. "I gotta concentrate. I gotta…Um, Rose; did you just put your hand in my trench coat pocket?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I just pulled your screwdriver out of it and now I'm using it to burn through the ropes and free us." She said matter of factly.

The Doctor's eyes bugged out as the rope slackened and fell away from their chests onto the platform.

"There ya go." She said putting the screwdriver in his hand. "Solved your problem."

The Doctor stared at her with awe.

"Rose, you're brilliant! I could kiss you for thinking of that!" he said putting his hands on her shoulders.

"All I did was put my hand into your pocket and get your screwdriver." Rose said confused.

"Yes, but you did it in full view of the villain. That took guts, Rose!"

He smiled proudly at her.

"Um…Doctor…"

"Yes?"

"The lava." She said pointing down.

The Doctor looked down and noticed that they were inches from certain doom.

"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot, sorry." He said.

He looked around at Oxandrias who was staring at them in shock. He gave a cheery wave and thrust his screwdriver at the lever. He turned the screwdriver on and gave a triumphant smile as sparks flew from it and the platform stopped just above the lava.

"Success!" the Doctor crowed.

"How dare you escape my escape proof trap?" Oxandrias bellowed as he ran toward the vat. "I will kill you both myself!"

The Doctor and Rose took a running jump and leapt off the platform onto the floor. The Doctor quickly jerked up and pointed his screwdriver at Oxandrias.

"Stay away from us if you know what's good for you!" he warned as he gave Oxandrias his patented I'm mad as Hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore face.

Oxandrias laughed loud and long and boisterously. The Doctor looked at Rose.

"Oh crap, here we go again. You see any pillows? I'm gonna take a nap until he finish…"

Oxandrias stopped laughing.

"Oh, never mind, we don't need the pillows after all." The Doctor said.

"And now, Doctor, I will use the Dark and Forbidden Arts of Scalimaion to finish you off!"

"Oh goody, we get to see more teensy weensy multi-colored exploding clouds now." The Doctor said. "Well, bring it on, I'm ready for your little puff balls!"

Oxandrias raised his hands into the air.

"MALAZANZIA!" he bellowed as he thrust his arms out toward the Doctor.

There was a POOF! And the Doctor coughed as a thick smoke enveloped his body. Flailing his arms, he frantically waved the smoke away from him.

"What? Is that it?" he said. "That was just a minor inconvenience! I…"

He paused.

"Hold on, why does my voice sound funny?" he said, frowning.

"Um…Doctor?"

"Yes, Rose?" he said looking at her.

Rose was staring at him. She cleared her throat.

"I hate to tell you this, but…you're blonde now."

"I'm what?"

"Blonde. You got blonde hair…and you're wearing…a cricketer's outfit?" she said slowly.

She raised her eyebrow.

"And…is that a celery stalk in your lapel?" she added, pointing at his jacket.

The Doctor glanced down at his body. His eyes widened as he caught his reflection in the metal floor. The face of his fifth incarnation was staring back at him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed as he jerked backwards.

He turned to Oxandrias and put his hands on his hips.

"Now see here, I want you to change me back this instant!" the fifth Doctor demanded. "This is highly uncalled for! I have already lived this life and although my tenth incarnation is a bit too manic for my liking, nevertheless that is who I am at present. So, if you would be so kind, as to change me back, I would greatly appreciate it!"

He looked down at himself and looked back at Oxandrias.

"Change me back to my old self!" he demanded.

Oxandrias shrugged.

"As you wish." He said with a smirk.

MALAZANZIA!

POOF!

The Doctor coughed as he waved the smoke away again.

"Confound this smoke!" he said.

He paused when he noticed his voice had changed, but it was still not his normal voice.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Rose?" he said turning around.

"You're…very old now."

The Doctor looked down and let out another scream when he saw the first Doctor's face reflected in the steel floor.

"Now see here, whippersnapper!" the first Doctor said waving his walking stick at Oxandrias." I told you to change me back."

"I did, Doctor. You told me to change you back into your old self and that's exactly what I did!" he said with a smirk.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT!" the first Doctor bellowed. "Now change me back to my proper self and do it shortly before I beat you with my stick!"

"Do it shortly? As you wish, Doctor!"

MALAZANZIA!

POOF!

More smoke appeared. When it cleared, Rose let out a gasp when she noticed that the Doctor's clothes were on the floor with no Doctor in them. Or so she thought. As she watched, a lump appeared under the clothes, worked its way up to the top of the Doctor's shirt and to Rose's horror, a small shriveled version of the Doctor crawled out and blinked his big, brown eyes in confusion.

"Bloody Hell, you turned him into Gollum, you bastard!" Rose said angrily.

"Rose, where am I? I got my proper voice back." Gollum!Doctor said as he looked around. "But…Why are you suddenly so tall?"

The bastard shrank ya this time!" Rose said.

"I did as the Doctor requested. He told me to change him back and to do it shortly and that's exactly what I did. I can't help it if I misheard the little pipsqueak."

"PIPSQUEAK! I'LL SHOW YOU A PIPSQUEAK!" Gollum!Doctor said charging at him.

"DANDRIAS!" Oxandrias bellowed as he thrust his hands at the Doctor.

A thick black smoke flew from his fingers and enveloped Gollum!Doctor. He let out a tiny cough as he tried to clear the smoke away.

"PORPROZION!" Oxandrias said thrusting his hands at Rose.

Rose gasped as she suddenly slid across the floor right into his waiting arms. He closed them tight around her.

"And now…it's your turn to suffer!" he hissed in her ear.

"The precious!"

Oxandrias looked down as the Doctor finally emerged from the smoke.

"The precious!" he said in a choked voice. "Give us the precious. We wants it! We wants the precious!"

Oxandrias frowned.

"What?" he said in confusion.

The Doctor paused and coughed.

"Ah, that's better." He said in his normal voice. "Still had some smoke left in my lungs. Anyway, what I was trying to say was give me my precious Rose back or you'll have me to deal with!"

Oxandrias threw back his head and laughed.

"GIVE HER BACK, MY LITTLE DOCTOR?" he said. "No, I won't give her back. I'd rather have some fun and play hide and seek with you. We hide and you seek us before I kill Rose!"

"NO, leave her alone! Don't take Rose from me. I'll be like Linus without his security blanket!" the Doctor said.

"CATCH US IF YOU CAN, DOCTOR! YOU HAVE EXACTLY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO FIND HER BEFORE I KILL HER!" he bellowed.

He smirked.

"And to make it even more interesting for you…"

He took a deep breath.

GUARDS! THE DOCTOR HAS ESCAPED, SEIZE HIM!"

He waved at the Doctor.

"Have fun trying to find us." He said gleefully."GOGONALLA!"

With another POOF, Oxandrias and Rose vanished into thin air. The Doctor had a moment to himself and then with a bang the door was kicked in and thirty armed guards headed straight for him.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"Eep!" Gollum!Doctor said as thirty armed guards came thundering towards him.

He cleared his throat when the guards stopped directly in front of him and pointed their blasters at his face.

"Now, before you start blasting me into oblivion, allow me to get a few words in." Gollum!Doctor said to them. "Now, I realize that you are under orders from Oxandrias to kill me, but do you really want to take orders from the likes of him? I mean, look at him, the man is hammier than a bacon factory, he dresses like a nightmare and he jerks his body around like an epileptic. Is this the kind of man you want signing your paychecks? Because if I were you, I'd seriously consider looking for other employment. I mean, look at yourselves. Have you looked in a mirror? Shiny spandex, thigh-high boots and a motorcycle helmet? They don't even go together. I gotta say, whoever thought up your dress code must have been drunk or high or both! So, come on, guys. You don't wanna kill lovable ol' me, do ya? Hmmm? What d'ya say? Let me go so I can go rescue Rose? Pretty please?"

He gasped and jumped to the side as one of the guards shot a laser beam at his head.

"Right, well since you put it that way. Let the arse kicking commence!" Gollum!Doctor said angrily.

The guards looked at each other and laughed.

"Yeah right," said the guard nearest to Gollum!Doctor "How you gonna kick our arses with that little foot of yours? All we have to do is step on you and you'll be finish---"

He was cut short as Gollum!Doctor ran forward and head butted him in the balls.

The other guards stared at their companion for a moment as he fell to the floor holding his crotch. Then, they looked at Gollum!Doctor.

"GET HIM!" they screamed in unison.

Gollum!Doctor gasped as several of the guards in front tried to dogpile on top of him. He barely managed to squeeze past them as they landed hard on top of each other.

Scrambling for cover, he ran between the guard's legs as they tried to make a grab for him.

"Guess there are some advantages to being little!" Gollum!Doctor said triumphantly as he finally got past the confused mob. "Now for Rose!"

But just as he reached the door, he felt a laser blast hit his back, He stumbled and fell to the floor as the guards laughed and jeered behind him.

Gasping for air, he tried to get to his feet but the most he could do was roll onto his back.

"No, I can't die. Not now." Gollum!Doctor gasped. "Rose needs me. There's got to be a way around this."

Then a thought occurred to him. He turned his head and looked at all the Doctor Who fans who were reading this story. A beatific smile spread over his face as he addressed him.

"Everyone out there you have to help me." He implored. "I know how much you love me. I even outdid Tom Baker in the Greatest Doctor Ever poll so I know you don't want to see me regenerate again. I know how much you love Rose too and I know you don't want her to die. So, this is what I want you to do. Do you remember the scene in Peter Pan where Tinkerbell drank the poison that was meant for Peter Pan and was on the verge of death and everyone had to clap in order to bring her back to life? Well, that's what I want you do for me. Say my name and clap your hands and you can bring me back to life! So, on the count of three, say my name and clap your hands, okay? Ready? 1...2…3!"

There was a pause as the Doctor smiled a sweet little smile at his fans and then suddenly a blue-white light surrounded him.

"That's it!" he said as the blue-white light lifted him off the floor. "Keep saying my name! Believe in me!"

He hovered in mid-air and then suddenly he began to grow and change back into his former self. He smirked at the guards as they stood in a dumbfounded silence.

"Yes, I know they could do it!" the Doctor crowed triumphantly as he was restored to his former hottie self. "It's amazing what a bunch of degenerate humans can do when they put their mind to it!"

The blue-white light suddenly dimmed and the Doctor began to shrink back into Gollum.

"No! Wait, I meant determined, not degenerate! I'm sorry! Honestly, I said the wrong word!" the Doctor said desperately.

The blue-white light became a blinding radiance and the Doctor became himself again.

"Phew! That was close." He muttered.

He spread his arms out as he hovered in the air.

"Go on, take your best shot!" he said to the guards.

One of the guards fired his blaster at the Doctor. It bounced off the light and ricocheted harmlessly away.

"HA HA HA! I am invincible!" the Doctor crowed. "I have been given ultra-super universal omniscient god-like abilities by my fans! And none of you can stop me! I, on the other hand, can do this!"

He waved his hands and the guards shrieked as they sailed upwards, smacked their heads on the metal ceiling and fell back to the floor unconscious.

"Rassilon, that felt good!" the Doctor said. "And now I'm off to rescue my beloved companion from certain death."

He quickly floated out of the room using his new found god given powers to establish a psychic link with Rose and determine her position.

"Hold on, Rose, your new and improved god-like Doctor is on the way to save you!" he said.

He concentrated on Rose's brain patterns and smiled when he finally got a fix on her location.

"Hang on, Rose, help is coming!" he said as he flew faster.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

(Meanwhile...in another part of the ship)

Rose groaned and slowly opened her eyes. After Oxandrias had taken her away from the Doctor, he had magically knocked her out. Looking around, she noticed that she was chained down to a metal chair that was bolted to a metal floor. Her eyes widened as she looked around her. Aimed at her from every possible direction were missles of different sizes, shotguns, spears, bows and arrows, bamboo sticks with sharpened ends, civil war cannons, Japanese naganatas, machine guns, blowguns with poisoned darts, slingshots, and peashooters. Clustered around her feet was an assortment of bombs and handgrenades. Just beyond the bombs, a ring of rabid pit bulls growed at her as they struggled to break free of their leashes. Just beyond them was a circle of flamethrowers and to top it all off a Monty Pythonesque 16 ton weight was suspended on a chain above her head.

Rose looked over at Oxandrias who was standing in a corner and staring at her.

"Gee, why does the word overkill come to mind when I look at all this?" she said sarcastically.

"I must make sure that there is no possible chance of escape for you, my dear." Oxandrias said. "The Doctor is a powerful adversary and I want to make sure he does not succeed in rescuing you."

"Obviously." Rose said glancing around at all the weapons of death. "Although, I don't think even the Doctor could get me outta this. Not unless he gets god-like powers in the next few minutes."

KA-BOOM!

Rose jerked her head around as a portion of the wall beside her exploded inward. Her eyes widened as the Doctor glided through the hole.

"Funny you should mention me getting god-like powers, Rose, because something incredibly interesting just happened to me." he said as he flew towards her.

Rose's eyes bugged out as she stared at the blue-white light surrounding the Doctor.

"Like it, Rose?" he asked flying in circles around her chair. "See, you aren't the only one who can become a god. I like my aura better than yours too. it's prettier, I think."

He stopped and hovered beside Rose as he noticed Oxandrias for the first time.

"Hi there!" he said waving to him. "I'm a god now! Isn't that just brilliant?"

Oxandrias's mouth dropped open.

"But...but how?" he stuttered.

"What can I say? My fans are the greatest fans in the whole world." the Doctor said shrugging.

"Nevertheless, you will never stop me, Doctor! I will destroy the thing you hold most dear. I will kill Rose!"

"What, with all this?" the Doctor said gesturing to all the weapons. "Bit much, don't you think?"

"That's what I said." Rose said.

The Doctor rubbed his chin.

"Hmmm, normally all of this would worry me, but then normally I don't have all-encompassing intergalactic omniscient all-powerfulness." he said. "So, normally, I wouldn't be able to do THIS!"

He waved his hands and all of the weapons vanished into thin air. He waved his hands again and the chains fell away from Rose. He waved his hands one more time and Rose's clothes were transformed into a skimpy bikini. He smiled as he stared at her body and started to wave his hands again.

"If you're planning for me to be naked this time around, I would really advise against it." Rose said angrily.

The Doctor put his hands down and gave her an innocent look. He quickly focused his attention back on Oxandrias as Rose gave him a look of death.

"Anyway, back to business." he said as he flew past Rose towards Oxandrias.

Oxandrias's face was frozen in fear. He thrust his arms out in front of him.

"MALAZANZIA!" he said.

the smoke appeared around the Doctor and quickly vanished as the Doctor continued to fly towards him.

"DANGIA!" Oxandrias screamed.

A red laser bolt shot from his fingertips. Oxandrias gasped as it ricocheted off the Doctor's aura and narrowly missed him.

Oxandrias gasped and began to run to the door.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." the Doctor said as he followed behind him.

He paused a moment.

"Actually I'm not sorry in the least, it's just one of the many standard catchphrases I use like Allons-y or Fantastic! or Would you like a jelly baby? or I must reverse the polarity of the neutron flow or Oh God, Rose, lower, lower!, stuff like that. I'm required to say one of these phrases every so often, you see. Fans expect it and I aim to please. So, just for clarification, I have absolutely no sympathy for a nob like you, it's just a phrase I like to say."

Oxandrias reached the door and turned to look at the Doctor.

"HA! I have beat you to the door, Doctor! Now I shall make my escape and..."

He trailed off when he noticed he was sliding away from the door right into the Doctor's waiting arms.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying? Something about escaping?" the Doctor said as he grabbed Oxandrias around the waist.

"No! You can't be winning!" Oxandrias screamed. "I am invincible! I am all-powerful! I am the ruler of the universe! I am---"

"Shrinking? Yeah, you are." the Doctor said, holding him tight. "Just another of my god-like abilities. You thought it was so hilarious when I kept transforming so now it's my turn to have a go at you!"

He dropped Oxandrias, who was now a bunny, onto the floor. Bunny!Oxandrias twitched his ears as he stared up at the Doctor.

"You won't get away with this, Doctor!" Bunny!Oxandrias said in a high-pitched voice. "I'm still all-powerful! I will defeat you with the Dark and Forbidden Arts of Scalimaion!"

"How you gonna do that when you're trying to run for your life?" the Doctor asked.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Bunny!Oxandrias asked.

The Doctor grinned. His body began to change. His face elongated and a long tail popped out of his trousers. Oxandrias watched in horror as the Doctor shrank and his skin turned into black fur.

"Shit!" Oxandrias squeaked out as Doctor!Panther completed his transformation and dropped to the floor beside him.

"Ooooo, hassenpfeffer, my favorite!" Doctor!Panther purred as he licked his snout.

"EEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Bunny!Oxandrias hopped for his life as Doctor!Panther pursued him at a leisurely pace. As they ran around the room, Doctor!Panther glanced up at Rose who was staring at the whole scene in bewilderment.

"Hey, Rose, bet you don't see something like this every day!" he called out cheerfully as he ran past her.

Rose sank back into the chair.

"I can't wait to get back to the TARDIS, I suddenly need a lie down." she muttered to herself.

Bunny!Oxandrias saw the door and tried to make a break for it. He gasped when Doctor!Panther leapt over him and blocked his way. He turned and tried to hop, but the Doctor!Panter leapt over him again.

"Going somewhere, are we?" Doctor!Panther asked him with a toothy grin.

Bunny!Oxandrias turned and tried to hop to the door, but Doctor!Panther chomped on his tail and dragged him towards him. Bunny!Oxandrias's tiny heart beat out of his chest as Doctor!Panther licked his snout and opened his mouth. Tiny rabbit pellets fell out of Bunny!Oxandrias's butt as he stared at the sharp pointy teeth above him.

"Noooo, don't eat me!" Bunny!Oxandrias begged in a high-pitched voice.

Doctor!Panther paused to consider his request.

"Do you give up?" he purred as he breathed on Bunny!Oxandrias's cottontail.

"Yes, yes, I give up!"

"Will you agree to surrender yourself to the authorities on Volag Nok, then?" Doctor!Panther asked.

"Volag Nok? No, it's colder than Hell there!" Bunny!Oxandrias squeaked out.

"Oh, you don't like the cold? Well, it's warm in my belly then!" Doctor!Panther said opening his mouth wide.

"NO! No, I'll go to Volag Nok! Just don't eat me, please!" Bunny!Oxandrias said.

"Okey-dokey!"

Doctor!Panther waved a paw and a cage appeared around Bunny!Oxandrias. He stepped back slightly and the blue-white light returned. He morphed back into his rightful form and picked up the cage.

"Now, be a good little bunny and point us towards our TARDIS, if you will." the Doctor said peering in at his captive.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh, I'm so glad that's over with." Rose said as she slumped down into the captain's chair.

The Doctor looked over his shoulder at her as he finished putting in the coordinates for Volag Nok.

"What? That wasn't fun for you?" he teased.

"No, I don't enjoy being chained to a chair by a meglomaniacal maniac, thanks." Rose replied.

"Well, I rather enjoyed being a panther. It was an interesting experience." The Doctor said.

"You still have your god-like powers, then?"

The Doctor sighed.

"No, they were taken away from me as soon as Oxandrias was defeated. I guess all-encompassing supremeness was good for only one story." he said bitterly. "Ah, well, it was fun while it lasted."

He finished with the coordinates and sat down beside Rose.

"So, after we drop off Little Bunny Foo Foo, where ya wanna go next?" the Doctor asked Rose.

"I don't really care, just as long as we stay away from a badly dressed, melodramatical villain, i'll be happy."

The Doctor grinned and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"How 'bout we stop off somewhere for some chips then? You hungry?"

"Oh my God, yes. I'm famished!" Rose replied.

"Okay, we'll go to that little chip place we like on Stargard 13 and then afters---"

There was a jolt and the Doctor and Rose fell out of the captain's chair onto the floor.

"Now what?" Rose said angrily.

A hologram appeared in front of him. The Doctor and Rose stared up at the man dressed in a spandex body suit, tutu and swim fins.

"AT LAST, DOCTOR, WE MEET FACE TO FACE!" he crowed. "AND NOW I WILL DEFEAT YOU!"

The Doctor and Rose glanced at each other.

"Here we go again!" they said to each other as they were beamed out of the TARDIS.

THE END.


End file.
